Apocalypse Plan: Number 19
by Ayla Pascal
Summary: Sheldon has a beautifully detailed plan to save them from every eventuality. However, it's Penny's idea that saves the day.


Author Notes: Thank you to rodlox for the beta!

-

Knock.

Knock.

Knock.

Penny rolled her eyes and swung her legs off her couch. It was obviously Sheldon at the door. Nobody else would ever knock in that annoyingly regular pattern. "Yes?" she said as she opened the door. To her surprise, both Sheldon and Leonard stood at her doorstep, each holding giant sheafs of paper, looking panicked.

Leonard barrelled past her and started rummaging around her couch. He threw the cushions into the corner and flung a jumper onto the floor.

Penny blinked. "Do you mind?"

"From her relaxed demeanour, I presume Penny here has not yet turned on the television this morning," Sheldon said.

She stared at him. "What?"

Sheldon stepped around her just as Leonard let out an, "Ah!" Leonard waved the remote control in the air and clicked it. Immediately the television came on.

Penny winced as the sound blared. She'd had a couple too many drinks the previous evening and the loud nasal voice of the news presenter wasn't helping her hangover one bit. She walked over and grabbed the remote from Leonard and pressed the down button on the volume.

"And reports are coming in from all over the globe of bizarre weather conditions," the news reporter was saying, looking frazzled. Penny sat down on her couch and frowned. Usually this particular news reporter was impeccably groomed but right now, her hair was sticking out at bizarre angles and her lipstick was smudged as she read from a report in front of her.

"What the hell?" she said.

Sheldon looked at her earnestly. "The recent global rise in greenhouse gases, particularly those of carbon dioxide and carbon monoxide has led to an increase in the mean temperature across the globe. This in turn had led to a melting of the polar ice caps, which has disrupted the North Atlantic current which is a major factor in contributing to our current temperate climate. Do you know what this means?" He looked at her expectantly.

Penny was bewildered. "So you mean global warming?"

Sheldon sighed. Penny could almost hear him visibly grind his teeth.

Leonard held up a hand and pointed to the news presenter on television.

"I repeat," she said, sounding increasingly worried, "the government has issued an official warning. Citizens are urged not to leave their homes and to keep as warm as possible. There is a cold front moving through and it is vital for everybody's safety to stay indoors."

Sheldon rolled his eyes and switched off the television. He held out what seemed like half of his thick sheaf of paper to Penny who took it reluctantly.

Looking down, she read: _Sheldon Cooper's Apocalypse Plan No 19: Ice Age. _Neatly written in one corner was her name. "Is this some sort of joke?"

"No joke, I'm afraid," Leonard said, sounding glum. "I just checked on the Internet. For once, the news is right. Apparently the Golden Gate Bridge just got taken out by a tornado and Japan's been hit with hailstones."

Penny jumped to her feet. "Oh my god," she said. "Oh my god. Shouldn't we be doing something?" She paused and frowned. "But wait, they said to stay indoors and stay warm."

"Nonsense," Sheldon said, waving his _Apocalypse Plan_ around. "I have it all worked out." He flipped open the cover of the sheaf of papers and pulled out what seemed to be a smaller booklet. He began unfolding it and spreading it out on her coffee table.

Penny stared. From where she was sitting, it looked like a meticulously drawn out flowchart detailing all possible options should another ice age occur. She peered at it and coughed. It seemed as though Sheldon had drawn out mating plans for everybody he knew, wherein, unfortunately she seemed to be the only female. It seemed as though in Sheldon Cooper's Ice Age Mating Plan, she would be sleeping in rotations with all four of the men. "Hey!" she protested, pointing at the plan.

Sheldon looked at her. "Penny, I'm afraid it is necessary. I do not wish to partake in this copulation any more than you; however, we must all do our duty for mankind. I'm afraid my cloning technology is not near ready yet, or we would be using that."

Penny was somewhat worried that Leonard looked quite happy at this Mating Plan. She wasn't sure she wanted to read the rest of Sheldon's _Apocalypse Plan_. "We'll discuss this later," she said flatly.

"Definitely," Sheldon said, sounding earnest. He leaned over the flowchart and began tracing a path. "If this should eventuate, I believe we should have a very detailed discussion regarding your favourite sexual positions."

Penny closed her eyes and tried not to slam her head on the coffee table. Opening her eyes, she picked up the sheaf of papers with her name on it and began to thumb through the pages. "Uh, guys," she said carefully, when she got to page eight, "I don't think we could build a sled to get down to Mexico from just the stuff in your apartment."

Leonard looked as though he was about to laugh but Sheldon simply shook his head. "You are, of course, correct, Penny," he said.

She stared at him. "I am?"

Sheldon pointed to the specific sentence in question. "I pointed out that we could make the electronically propelled sledding device using equipment from both our apartments."

"You're not taking apart my furniture," Penny said flatly.

"You seem to be unaware of the fact that this plan will save your life," Sheldon told her.

"What's wrong with just following what the news said," Penny asked. "It sounds perfectly reasonable."

"Sometimes Penny, I wish you could hear yourself," Sheldon said in that slow and annoyingly patient tone of his. "The cold front that is coming will be drawing freezing air from the troposphere."

"What he's trying to say," Leonard said, "is that there is no way we can keep warm enough in either of our apartments. Thus, the best plan is to try to get out of here." He lifted up his copy of the plan and winced. "We can address all the other issues later."

Penny stood up and walked over to her dining table. She rifled through the clutter and picked out a key. "I have this," she said triumphantly.

Sheldon turned to Leonard. "Was that a statement that is conventionally called a joke?" he asked. Leonard shook his head.

"This," Penny said, holding up the key, "is the key to one of the upstairs apartments. The ones with fireplaces. I know the owner of one of them. He's away for the month and he asked me to go up and feed his goldfish."

She enjoyed the astonished expressions on their faces.

-****-

"This will never work," Sheldon said, sounding grumpy.

Penny rolled her eyes. "This'll work better than your Mating Plan," she pointed out.

Sheldon blinked at her. "My Mating Plan was meticulously planned. I worked through every contingency. You will be not required to have sexual relations when you are on your menses or when you become pregnant. Your children will then, when they have become of age, have relations with one of us that they are not related to. I have a DNA testing kit in my room. Page 102 explains that if there are any other survivors, how they will fit into this Mating Plan."

Penny resisted the urge to punch him and point out how Raj and Howard weren't here. She was suddenly afraid that Sheldon would come up with some special plan to get them to appear.

-****-

"The fire isn't warm enough," Leonard pointed out as they all huddled around it, in their sleeping bags. On the kitchen bench, the goldfish swam around its bowl lazily.

"Maybe we should bring the goldfish closer to the fire," Penny suggested.

Sheldon nodded. "It would be a welcome addition to our diet when we eventually run out of the necessities."

Penny shuddered. "Never mind."

Sheldon frowned. "This food is quite unfortunate for my stomach and bowels. They are dissatisfied with the lack of a constant, structured diet. Did you know that I am now unable to eat alphabetically by fibre content because all we have left are Coco Pops?

"How unfortunate," Leonard muttered. He poked at the fire and sparks flew up the chimney. "We need something else to add to the fire. The chair legs aren't catching alight."

Penny suddenly smiled. She knew the perfect thing.

A few minutes later, the fire was burning merrily as one of the copies of Sheldon's _Apocalypse Plan_ slowly turned into ash. Sheldon was sitting with his back to both of them, arms folded.

-****-

Penny poked at the television set for what seemed like the hundredth time.

"It did not work the other forty-two times you tried. What makes you believe it will work now?"

Penny stared at Sheldon. She wasn't sure, but it sounded like he was beginning to get angry. "Work, damn it!" she muttered, slapping the top of the set. All she achieved was a sore palm.

"It is a well documented law of physics that slapping, hitting or otherwise physically assaulting electronic objects is not a scientifically-viable method of fixing said objects," Sheldon said calmly.

If this was anybody else, Penny would have assumed that they were joking. Since it was Sheldon, she was positive that it wasn't a joke. Sheldon Cooper wouldn't know a joke if it paraded in front of him mostly naked, wearing nothing but a twinkie wrapper.

Oh god. A twinkie wrapper. A twinkie.

She made sure her mouth was firmly closed. There was nothing she wouldn't give for a twinkie right now. It was too dangerous to go outside and they had run out of twinkies three days ago. They'd run out of toilets four days ago and somehow Penny thought this ought to be a more pressing priority in her mind.

Still. Twinkies.

Penny blinked as Sheldon handed her his perfectly, nutritionally divided portion that was supposed to be Tuesday lunch. She wrinkled her nose.

"I worked out these portions scientifically," Sheldon informed her for what seemed like the hundredth time. "They have all our daily requirements for vitamins and minerals and fibre."

Leonard groaned from the corner. "Too much fibre, I think," he said, clutching his stomach.

Penny blanched. "Sheldon?" she began but Sheldon shook his head firmly.

"I will not share my already clogged toilet with another person," he said decisively.

-****-

"You will not burn A Brief History of Time," Sheldon said decisively, holding the book tightly to his chest. "This is not yet an anarchy."

Penny tried to be patient. "We have to burn everything that's flammable in the apartment." She looked over to Leonard for support but he simply stared at the floor and traced patterns on the floorboards.

Sheldon clasped the book in his arms. "This book will not be burned."

Penny rolled her eyes and moved onto the next book. "Fine, genius," she muttered. "If we run out of other books, then I'll come for that."

Sheldon glared at her.

-****-

It was beginning to get colder.

Penny discovered that her timeless method of dressing in layers was completely and utterly useless when it was below freezing outside.

"I believe," Sheldon said calmly, "that it is time for us to share body warmth."

Penny stared at him and raised an eyebrow. Leonard looked somewhat excited at the plan, or as excited as any of them could manage these days, which was a brief quirking upwards of his lips. "Was that a joke?"

Sheldon made a face that Penny interpreted correctly as his "hurt" expression. "No, Penny, that was not a joke. If I informed Leonard that we had run out of all toilet paper in the apartment and that he had to go downstairs to procure some more..."

"What?" Leonard struggled to sit up.

Sheldon smiled patiently. "That was a joke."

"Oh." Leonard settled back down on the couch.

"It is a well established method of surviving cold weather," Sheldon continued. "We must huddle together and share body warmth."

Penny found that huddling together with Sheldon and Leonard wasn't as bad as she would have thought. Even after so long without a shower, Sheldon still smelt like absolutely nothing whereas Leonard smelt slightly musty, but nothing too unpleasant.

Yawning slightly, she cuddled closer to them.

-****-

They had almost run out of their last breakfast cereal (Rice Bubbles) when there came a knock on the apartment door. Penny stared at Sheldon and Leonard. They stared back at her.

"Is there anybody in there?"

"Yes," Penny shouted, her voice cracking slightly.

"It looks like we're being rescued," Leonard said quietly.

Penny couldn't help think that Sheldon looked slightly miffed. She suspected that he was still disappointed that her plan of waiting out the storm had worked. "Cheer up," she said, punching Sheldon on the arm, as the sounds of people breaking down the apartment door filtered through, "we can always instigate your Mating Plan."

-fin


End file.
